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| The Green Monkey |
 Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 12:23 pm |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 15 Jun 2002
Posts: 14107
Location: Fucking a giant scorpion, duh.
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When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.
There is no theory of evolution. There are merely lists of organisms that Alton Brown allows to live so that they can become good eats.
Alton Brown doesn't need a panini maker; he simply looks at the sandwich and commands it to flatten.
Alton Brown doesn't need a cake stand; he forces the earth to rotate around the cake that he's frosting.
Alton Brown doesn't churn butter. He spends half an hour telling cows about the value of butter and they squirt it out for him.
Alton Brown doesn't wash his clothes, he brines them.
Alton Brown is no culinary Einstein. It's just that Einstein is a physicist Alton Brown.
Kosher salt is named as such because God approves anything that Alton Brown uses.
Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth.
Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.
Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.
Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.
Alton Brown's show is called 'Good Eats', because 'Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms' didn't play with the network's target demographic.
Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.
Alton wears oven mitts to keep from burning the oven.
Despite what he says, Alton can multi-task with the fire extinguisher.
God will not allow time-travel to occur because Alton Brown would go back and outdo all of God's food-related miracles, which would include but not be limited to: Cheesecake flavored Manna for the Israelites in the Desert; Blackened Salmon with Lemon Butter and Sourdough Bread for the Multiplying of the Fishes and the Loaves; Turning water into Y'Qeum.
Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard.
Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon merengue.
Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.
When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they'd left for his mother and made it into an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.
In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'.
Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.
Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', 'frappe', and 'plasmify'.
Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.
Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry.
On Rachel Ray's show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.
Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a Pontiac, and still cut a tin can.
Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinaigrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstasy at forty paces.
Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, that is.
Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and spices -- and they were delicious.
Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever -- try as they might, they simply can't 'do it his way'.
Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food -- including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and soylent green.
Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.
Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.
Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.
Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.
Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching. |
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Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in. |
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| Buckethead |
| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 2:08 pm |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 25 Oct 2001
Posts: 5068
Location: Canada
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| Holy shit, that is awesome. Where did you find that? |
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| DUBS |
| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 2:37 pm |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 08 Jul 2006
Posts: 5715
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Come on Buckethead, he's The Green Monkey. Homeboy wrote that shit in his sleep. 
How's the hand doing TGM? |
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| The Green Monkey |
| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:13 am |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 15 Jun 2002
Posts: 14107
Location: Fucking a giant scorpion, duh.
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Nah, I found it somewhere while wandering the internet.
The hand is healing. The scab came off today so I've now got that funny pink skin on the side of my hand. I hid my "a little bigger than a quarter, and considerably thicker, heavier, and sturdier" knee scab in my brother's room on the shelf behind his cologne. He'll enjoy discovering it when he's moving out. |
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Just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in. |
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| Cappy |
| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:23 am |
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Joined: 13 Sep 2005
Posts: 11580
Location: Cloud cuckoo land
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Anyone know Kitchen Confidential from Anthony Bourdain?
I�m reading this (german version) now and it�s hilarious.
Sorry for derail the thread, didn�t know where else to ask.  |
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...O...................O..... |
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| Hanoibomb |
| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 5:16 am |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 17 May 2005
Posts: 912
Location: Central TX ditches
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| Bourdain rules. He's the inspiration for my take on a french dip sandwich (pan seared foie gras with veal demi-glace 'dipping' sauce). My Grandma would be proud. |
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Absolute music. Roll around. Bubble Gum. |
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| DUBS |
| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 9:56 am |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 08 Jul 2006
Posts: 5715
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The Green Monkey wrote: I hid my "a little bigger than a quarter, and considerably thicker, heavier, and sturdier" knee scab in my brother's room on the shelf behind his cologne. He'll enjoy discovering it when he's moving out.
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| dooms_dave |
| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:39 am |
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Joined: 17 Sep 2002
Posts: 2045
Location: plain'ol' texas
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i got an autograph from alton brown at one of his book signings a few years ago. he's a funny dude in real life too. i was pleased. I though he may have been one of those "funny when someone writes it out for me" kind of guys but he was genuinely affable all around.
had him sign it to "the zinc saucier" i was sad when he didnt get the reference though.
i'll get a pic of it maybe... |
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got to have:
Cab Full Dragon. red 7-ply |
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| Buckethead |
| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:31 pm |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 25 Oct 2001
Posts: 5068
Location: Canada
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Cappy wrote: Anyone know Kitchen Confidential from Anthony Bourdain?
I�m reading this (german version) now and it�s hilarious.
Sorry for derail the thread, didn�t know where else to ask.
Great book. Kinda sad that Bourdain now has a show or had on the Foodnetwork even though it was good. |
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| sixpack |
| Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 12:57 pm |
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ORDER OF THE SKULL
Joined: 17 Feb 2003
Posts: 10246
Location: Long Island, NY
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All time fave chef. His new show is on the travel channel; Monday nights at 10pm EST. He bags on the "other network" as well as Rachael Ray, Giada, et al at least once per episode.
His restaurant Les Halles in Manhattan rules (one of two); VERY good food. Mmmm, sweetbreads....  |
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